Life, Fear and the C word

I finished reading Life of Pi yesterday. It took me quite a while to get through the first part, but after that, I finished it in the weekend. I enjoyed the book, but what stands out most in my mind is this passage Yann Martel wrote:

I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread.

I have been receiving a lot of forwarded emails lately from a particular person in North Carolina. This woman was an advisor to our sorority and a replacement mom to many of us that lived away from home. Typically, I just look at the subject lines, mumble something under my breath about hogging valuable webmail space and delete the message. In the last few weeks I have started to read the messages. This, in all honesty, has been going on for years. The advisor, a very caring and supportive woman, has been updating us all on the health of one of our own. D was diagnosed 6 years ago with IBC (inflammatory breast cancer), a very aggressive type of cancer and has been fighting it ever since. All too often the emails that get sent around are asking for donations for D and her family and, unfortunately, the sentiment gets lost in the plea for dollars. That was the attitude I took for a long time... Until I started reading the messages in the last few weeks. D is on a trial with Duke University that hasn't been tested on humans before; they are treating the cancer of her lungs and liver. She calls herself 'Patient #4' when the first 3 have been removed from the trail for various reasons. She has had terrible side effects from this treatment, but insists on continuing. She has known many people to die from IBC since she was diagnosed, 60% of the people with IBC are dead within 5 years. Her message today was that she is going to have to go into hospital soon to remove fluid that has formed around her heart. I don't know D very well, really only by reputation, but she is a strong individual. She's lobbied Washington for funds to support cancer research, she is raising a family and she is fighting cancer minute by minute. I have had D in my thoughts a lot these last couple of weeks, especially since her fight is getting more and more difficult. I am not usually one for prayers, but I have found myself saying them for D and her family.

Really, the Martel passage can apply to anything in life. I fear many things: spiders, public speaking, and all sorts of things. But what terrifies me the most, the thing that Martel describes in Life of Pi for me is an end to all that I know. I have lived a very privileged life. I have grown up in a loving, caring household with very large families on either side. I have two sets of grandparents that are healthy and get around without any major problems. Death is not new to me; I have had close friends pass away and family members as well. I do not fear my own death, but I fear the death of the ones I love. I am terrified of a life without loved ones.

What terrifies you?